


The Break Up

by Skellyagogo



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Break Up, Depression, F/M, Female Reader, Female reader insert, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-27
Updated: 2020-06-27
Packaged: 2021-03-03 18:46:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24950281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skellyagogo/pseuds/Skellyagogo
Summary: Everything he keeps inside, pushing down deep comes boiling up.  A hunt gone wrong gives him the excuse.  He acts out, but can't handle the consequences.
Kudos: 3





	The Break Up

  


**********

Sam begrudgingly headed out for a night on the town with Dean. He hadn’t left the bunker in months except for hunts. He kept himself locked in a spare bedroom. Hiding from the world, hiding from Dean, but mostly hiding from the memories of her. He couldn’t stand to be in his room…their room because it smelled like her. Handfuls of her things still scattered around the room. Memories that coated every inch of the bunker.

Sweet tender kisses in the hallways on the way to bed. Early mornings in the kitchen with smoothies getting ready to head out on a run. One of his hoodies making it look as if she was drowning in it, but she only grinned when he’d laugh at her about it. Late-night research marathons in the library fueled with copious amounts of coffee. Movie nights that left him watching her instead of the movie.

The way she smiled, the sparkle in her eyes gazing at the screen. Her ridiculously adorable giggle. Y/n and her endless geekdom knowledge of all things movie, tv, books, and games that put Charlie and Dean to shame. All the nights when the skies were clear, they’d lay out on a blanket on the hill behind the bunker. Hand in hand, laying squished together staring up at the endless expanse of the galaxy above them.

Sam hardly ate, barely slept. He stopped going out for morning jogs. He’s become quite and lost interest in all that he’d loved before. There wasn’t anything left that didn’t remind him of Y/n. He couldn’t close his eyes without seeing her face. His senses flooded with the smell of her perfume, the aroma of her shampoo. Her expression always morphing from smiling and cheerful to agony and pain.

He could still hear her crying. The sobbing, and sniffling. The meek way she spoke his name even as he yelled. A hunt gone south left her injured, but instead of admitting he was scared for her, he blamed her. It didn’t matter that she grew up in the life. It didn’t matter that she was a hunter longer than him and Dean. He was supposed to protect her and that hunt only proved how much he really couldn’t.

He took out his fear on her instead. Too stubborn to say he was scared. That he was frightened of getting comfortable and let his guard down because if his past had anything to say, it was that love didn’t seem to be in the cards for him. Each time he loved someone… well Sam and heartbreak were old friends. Part of him believed she’d be better off without him.

If he admitted it to himself, he’d know that in the back of his mind he was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for something to go wrong. He had nightmares on some nights. Seeing Jess and the others dying in front of him. Teasing him, taunting him, telling him that Y/n was next. He was starting to feel that love wasn’t worth the potential heartache. That he didn’t deserve it, but then Y/n would crawl in his lap and wrap her arms around him. Griping tight and squeezing hard like she knew he needed it.

Y/n would stay that way for ages. Her head nestled in the crook of his neck. Her breathing slow and steady giving him something to focus on. She wouldn’t speak, only held on in silence until the rest of the world seemed to fade away for Sam. Y/n had become the very air he breathed and it terrified him. The very thought of losing her, of never seeing her again broke something deep inside him.

He tried to call so many times. Sam picked up the phone and dialed her number. Letting it ring until it went to voicemail, but after that beep, no words would leave his mouth. He’d sputter and groan before hanging it up. He waited day after day for a call that never came because he just couldn’t man up and get the words out himself. He let the best thing that had come into his life walk away.

Nothing numbed the pain. He wanted a release from it all. Taking a page out of Dean’s book, Sam turned to alcohol. The first night he drank himself into oblivion, he did so staring at her picture on his phone. Mumbling in a drunken stupor all the things he should have said. Each fear he should have told her. Pleading with her picture, crying out how sorry he was. How he wanted to take it all back.

Dean, Cas, and Jack watched helplessly from the doorway of the library. Nothing they did or said would ease Sam’s mind. He blamed himself for it all. Blamed the way he was raised, the man he became. All the secrets he kept inside. Y/n always told him everything, even the tiniest little fear. She was like an open book, willing to share it all. Laying everything out on the table without fear or shame. Sam wanted to be like her, but his past always seemed to haunt him. Preventing him from what he wanted.

He loved her, he loved Y/n with such a fever. The fight over the hunt gave him an excuse to push her away. He was letting his fears push her out of his life. He tried to rationalize it in his mind that he was saving her. He was forcing her to get a life that would be better off without him. The funny thing was, that even after she’d left, his fear was still there and it only worsened.

He drank until he felt nothing. Drank until he couldn’t see straight. Dean knew he had to do something. If Sam didn’t stop he’d turn into him and that was the last thing he wanted for his little brother. Sam was the one with all the potential. He stood a better chance at happiness than Dean ever did. Dean knew Sam had that with Y/n. He set a plan in motion and called in all the favors he had.

“She won’t want to see me Dean so just drop it already.” Sam groaned visibly distressed as he sat across from Dean in the bar.

“You don’t know that besides you’re both miserable,” Dean argued drinking his beer earning a questioning look from Sam.

“How would you know she’s miserable? Maybe she’s living somewhere in the mountains writing that paranormal novel she was always joking about. Or maybe she finally went to Australia or Ireland.” Sam didn’t sound so sure of himself. He didn’t even look at Dean while he spoke, instead, he began peeling the label off his beer bottle.

Dean saw her from across the bar sitting at a table with a group of hunters. Her hair up in a messy pony-tail. The kind she wore all the time to distract Sam. It’d swish from side to side as she walked and just like a little kid he couldn’t help himself. Batting it around like a cat making her laugh. She’d high tail it running through the bunker trying to take Sam’s amusement away from him. Y/n would stifle her laughter and zip from the hall to hall. Eventually, it’d turn into an elaborate game of hide and seek.

Dean smiled remembering how she squealed when Sam found her. That laugh of hers echoing throughout the bunker. Sam would come jogging through the library with Y/n slung over his shoulder. Her face red from laughing and the giant grin plastered on Sammy’s face. Just when Y/n thought Sam would put her down, he’d spin the both of them in circles. The childish giggle erupting from Y/n made even Cas laugh at the two of them.

Looking across at Sam now, Dean saw a completely different man. A hollow shell. He saw regret and anger. Dean saw himself in Sam at that moment more than ever and he hated it. The bar was packed and the music was loud. Sam knocked back a few shots staring aimlessly into the crowd, but not once did he notice her. It wasn’t until an hour into the night that he noticed Dean staring so attentively towards the other side of the bar near the DJ booth.

Following Dean’s eye-line he caught the top of a familiar mop of hair high up in a messy ponytail. When the crowd thinned around that table he saw a faded flannel shirt draped over her shoulders. The same worn-in faded brown flannel shirt she always stole out of his closet. Y/n wore a smile on her face as she sat seated at a table full of hunters. The bunch except her drinking rowdily and heavy in conversation.

He thought she looked happy at that distance, she was smiling after all. If he’d taken a closer look he would have seen the falseness of that smile. Or the pain that weighed deep in her eyes. Sam only saw what his brain wanted him to see, not what his heart wanted. Dean turned and caught Sam staring, mouth slightly open.

“Go talk to her.” Dean’s words falling on deaf ears.

Sam fidgeted in his seat. His leg shaking beneath the table. A sheen of panic and sweat coating his face. All the words Sam wanted to say, all the things he needed to apologize for seemed to vanish from his mind. He couldn’t find the courage to get up from that chair.

“Come on Sammy, she’s miserable without you. Just go tell her your sorry. You can fix this, it’s not too late.”

He didn’t move though. Watching her sitting there unable to see what held her attention. A sad smile swept over her lips. A flush crept up her neck and over her cheeks. If he’d stood up and walked closer perhaps he’d have seen the picture she held in her hands. Or how swiftly she stuffed it in the pocket of his shirt when one of the hunters mentioned the Winchesters. Her head shot up staring at the hunter that had spoken.

Another fake grin spread over her face as she nodded at whatever they’d said. If Sam had walked over he would have noticed she wasn’t paying attention to their conversation at all. Her eyes were blank not listening to them at all.

Pulling her phone from the table and turning it on, checking for text messages that were never there. Checking to see if there was a missed call that was never made. Glancing down at her home screen seeing the selfie of her and Sam. Tears that never seemed to want to go away welling up in her eyes. Too scared herself to call. Too afraid that he moved on. Her fingers twitched moving over the call button ready to dial the number she’d never forget to her dying day.

All Sam could see from his vantage point was a facade, a front. If he honestly would have studied her closer, he would have seen what Dean did. She was miserable and barely holding it together. Barely getting by herself. Pushing from one hunt to another in a string of failed attempts to ease the ache.

Failed attempts to fill the massive Sam sized hole in her heart. Trying to forget his smile and his laugh. Never being able to forget the way he smelled after a shower. How he felt wrapped around her at night. Holding her close and whispering he loved her in her ear as he fell asleep. The way he made her laugh even on the days she didn’t want to. But one doesn’t simply forget Sam Winchester.

Dean tried to convince Sam to talk to her again, but Sam only shook his head and sighed. He couldn’t do it. Standing up shakily he left the table, Dean calling out after him. Sam disappeared into the crowd. Dean leaned back in his chair swearing to himself. He couldn’t make Sam do it if he wasn’t ready. He knew it was a long shot even putting together this half-assed plan.

Y/n was ready for the night to be over with. She knew being so close to the bunker was a bad idea. The boys frequented this bar often and she couldn’t face Sam. He would have moved on by now. Drown his sorrows in the arms of another woman. She didn’t think he was capable of that, but that’s where her mind went.

She wasn’t sure why she even agreed to meet with the hunters she sat with. Friends she’d made over the years calling her out of the blue wanting to catch up. A breath of fresh air between hunts. A night to be normal, but nothing about her life had ever been normal. She doubted normal was even possible anymore. Sam was the closest she’d ever come, but now. Closing her eyes she sighed trying to drown out the noise all around.

A squeal from the speaker system signaled the start of karaoke night. A faint smiled crossed her lips remembering how much Dean hated that night. The three of them would be seated in a booth tossing back shots. Sam would smile and nudge her shoulder trying to get her to go up on stage. Saying that he couldn’t be the only one that got to hear her sing.

Memories of laughing at how easily Sam got her to do it. Nerves rattling through her as she climbed that stage. Microphone in hand and a spotlight blinding her sight. She cough sheepishly waiting for the music to start, but a few bars in and she’d sway on the stage belting her heart out.

Sam and Dean whistling from across the bar cheering her on. By the time the song was done the whole bar would be clapping along. Just remembering those nights left a pit in her stomach. Her back turned away from the tiny stage, she missed the first singer climbing those stairs. Didn’t see nervous flutter in their face.

The hunters she sat with stared wide-eyed behind her. Glancing across the bar she saw Dean standing with a grin on his face. A deep heavy cough echoed through the microphone as the music wafted through the speakers. It was the first song that came on in her car as she drove away from the bunker after that night.

**_One of us still has our picture taped up on the dash_ **

**One of us took that one from Mexico, threw it in the trash**

**_One of us don’t even notice when the radio plays that song_ **

**_One of us breaks down and has to pull over whenever it comes on_ **

_**Nah there ain’t no in-between, when it comes to her and me** _

__

She spun around so fast in her chair hearing his voice. It was shaky and a little off-key, but Sam was staring straight at her.

**_One of us moved on, one of us got stuck_ **

**_One of us is drinkin’ just for fun, one of us drinkin’ to get drunk_ **

**_One of us sleeps good, and one of us hates to face the night_ **

**_Just depends if you’re talkin’ about her world or mine_ **

****

Glancing back at Dean across the bar dumbfounded. Dean only smirked and nodded his head towards Sam. She felt everything she tried to keep down creeping up. Tears streaming down her face as she sat watching him.

**_There’s a number on a phone that one of us erased_ **

**_There’s a “late-night can we try again?” call one of us wants to make_ **

**_‘Cause one of us can’t even think about bein’ in another’s arms_ **

**_And there’s a car in the drive that stayed all night, where one of us used to park_ **

****

Her heart broke finally getting a good look at him. Sam looked awful like he hadn’t slept in weeks. His tall stature looked so small standing up on that stage. Misery heavy in his eyes.

**_One of us moved on, one of us got stuck_ **

**_One of us is drinkin’ just for fun, one of us drinkin’ to get drunk_ **

**_One of us sleeps good, and one of us hates to face the night_ **

_**Just depends if you’re talkin’ about her world or mine** _

__

Getting out her chair slowly walking towards the stage. She stood mesmerized through teary eyes. Sam jumped off the stage towering over her.

**_For a while, we had forever in our hands_ **

**_That’s why one of us can’t understand_ **

_**How one of us moved on, one of us got stuck** _

**_One of us is drinkin’ just for fun, one of us drinkin’ to get drunk_ **

**_One of us sleeps good, one of us hates to face the night_ **

****

**_Just depends if you’re talkin’ about her world or mine_ **

_**Yeah that’s the difference between her world or mine** _

__

Y/n and Sam stood staring at each other. The noise of the bar picked up again. Another song and another singer headed up on the stage. She bit her bottom lip trying to stop the tremble. Her shoulders shook and her body wavered. He knew just by a glimpse that she wasn’t far from bursting out sobbing.

Placing a massive hand on her cheek, feeling her lean into his touch. He watched her slowly crumble. Her arms wrapped around his torso, her body smashed to his. Lifting her and holding her tight. Her thighs clung around his waist, ankles locked. Inhaling deeply, taking in her scent. He hadn’t even realized he was rocking them side to side as he hugged her.

Sam felt her tears soaking his shirt. Y/n pulled away just far enough to take in his face. Her eyes scanning every bit of him. The puffy darkened eyes. The dullness in his eyes. The lifeless mess of hair that sat limp. She cupped his cheeks. Sniffling back tears, he witnessed the tremble in her lips.

“I wanna go home Sam,” she whimpered softly. The request damn near broke him right then and there.

Ignoring the calls from the other hunters for his attention, Sam strode out of the bar. Y/n clung to him not wanting to let go. It didn’t take him long to find her car in the parking lot. Setting her on the hood, the words he needed to say getting stuck in his throat. Letting his forehead bump hers, he let out.

“I’m sorry. I never meant… I was just scared.” He rambled off in his deep voice. The words cracking as they left his mouth. “My past … and fear … and I let it eat me up inside.” Cupping her neck, thumbs sweeping over her cheekbones. “I was too afraid of losing you and I pushed you away.”

“You didn’t move on?” She wept avoiding his eyes. Her voice usually so strong and confident now meek and small. The question blew his mind.

“Never, how could I?” Nudging her chin trying to get her to look at him. “I was miserable without you and I can never tell you how sorry I am.”

“Please Sam, can we just… I wanna go home. I haven’t… I haven’t slept in weeks and I can’t… I don’t wanna be without you again.”

Handing over her keys to Sam, she slipped off the hood of her car. Sam caught her shoulders before she stepped away. Pain and hope, sorrow, and compassion flooded her eyes staring up at him. Leaning down pressing his lips to hers. Feeling her hands around his neck. The way she kissed him back. They were both smiling through tears.

Dean watched from just outside the bar door. Saw Sam open and shut her car door. The little skip in his step headed toward the driver’s side. Heard the rev of the engine and the squeal of the tires on the gravel parking lot as they sped out onto the asphalt. Smirking watching the taillights disappear down the road.

“Way to go, Sammy,” Dean chuckled and headed back in the bar.


End file.
